How do you leave a relationship when you are still in love?
07.06.2025 01:03
However, unsurprisingly I guess I had a few issues. There was a feeling it would fall apart. That my wife would find someone better and leave me. This would be heightened when she would complain that someone else had a ‘better house’ or similar. Normal stuff really, but it felt like I was being belittled and not doing good enough, and this fueled my insecurities. She was also the ruler of the house. I kind of was the leader of the ‘big’ things like finance etc, and she dictated pretty much everything with the kids. It was kind of ok, but I would get frustrated at the time she would unnecessarily (in my eyes) spend on ‘over-parenting’ as it left me out to an extent. I was relegated to somewhere around the dog (in my eyes). Normal stuff really, but it made my fears of abandonment worse. However, I was pretty self aware and controlled my frustration for the most part as I knew overall it was the right thing and what I needed as well. There was also a nagging discomfort with a middle class ‘keeping up with the Joneses’ demographic we were in. Given my background the trivial whinging about pretty much anything that really didn’t matter was annoying and I felt many of these people were entitled twats with nothing to complain about, and much of the conversations were inane and sometimes galling. But again, the trade off as mentioned, and the fact I was still madly in love with my wife, and of course daughters, kept me from being too cantankerous about it. I knew overall was still blessed. And to be fair, not all our social group was like this. We had some really good friends and people.
But I’ve accepted that I can’t eliminate the negative thoughts and have learnt to mange them. In fact trying to eliminate them is counterproductive, it ain’t gonna happen. And that’s ok. I certainly don’t deserve sympathy and will always take responsibility for what happened, even with the stroke.
So I had an affair. In fact I hadn’t even slept with the woman but I’d felt as though I’d already betrayed my wife (and daughters) and the guilt was all consuming. I’d never even hardly looked at another woman since I met her, so I’d never be able to look my wife in the eye and forgive myself. And she would never forgive me. So to me I’d already gone too far and didn’t deserve my wonderful life. I told my wife and left. What a shitshow. I’ve never seen anyone so heartbroken as my wife (and girls when we told them). And my heart was also shattered, but so what. I certainly didn’t deserve sympathy. And she would have had me back. She begged, but I could not fathom how I would be forgiven, or forgive myself. I was in a state of extreme self loathing and depression. I had just shattered everything that I had worked for, and needed to save myself from my insecurities and issues. And worse broke the hearts of the people I loved more than anything in the world.
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There was a lot more that went on over the following years but fast forward 15 years and we’re all still here. It took my wife years to get over it, she still hasn’t fully recovered, and neither have I. But we have a good relationship and the girls are for the most part great. In fact they now say they can’t imagine me and mum being together as we are now in completely different zones. She is still the same wonderful, but perhaps ‘annoying’ mum and I’ve lived a carefree, take each day at a time life which is somewhat loose I guess. I’ve been pretty much completely irresponsible as I really didn’t care if I lived or died. I still don’t I guess, although I’m not completely reckless anymore. So I guess it makes me/us feel better that the girls don’t think it’s a bad thing we aren’t together. Although I know they’d love to have the happy family that we were. As would me and my ex.
We fell madly in love, married and have 3 beautiful and wonderful daughters. We did pretty well, I had a good job, we had a nice house for that stage in our lives and had the perfect nuclear family. Everyone commented on how wonderful we were together and of course our girls were a delight. I looked at my siblings and friends relationships and thanked my lucky stars. We never really fought enough for it to be a concern. Sex was good, she was a good wife, and I a good husband and ok father. Overall you couldn’t hope for a better life. It was everything I needed. Stability. Love. Security. A family that was going to buck the trend of the countless divorces of my father, sister, and brothers. We were the quintessential golden couple and family. I was determined that the rest of my life would be happy.
But here is when the tragedy starts.
Mine is one that is out of the ordinary and pretty tragic. I expect a few rocks to be thrown, but I’ve already had them so strap yourselves in. It’s at least interesting.
And then I had a stroke at 40…little detail, but I had at least a dozen strokes over a 12 hour or so period where my entire right side was paralysed and then shortly after slowly start to come back. But 20 minutes later the clot had moved and blocked again. Another stroke. And so on until it settled with probably 80% paralysis. But there was movement.
Fast forward six weeks and I started to recover, and quite rapidly. Forward another few months and I was 90% back to normal and eventually made pretty much a full physical recovery with just a few minor residual effects. I guess again, I was blessed. It was almost miraculous. And it needs to be said my wife was angel the whole way through.
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I planned multiple suicides over the next few years and tried to live with the pieces I’d left behind. Still I could have probably gone back but as above I didn’t think it could work. What probably made it worse is that despite this, while my wife was an obviously devastated she was still somewhat kind and we kept everything from the kids as much as we could. I had the kids every 2nd weekend, but I didn’t know what to do with them. I was racked with guilt every time they came over as they were obviously confused and you could see the sadness. And it was all my fault.
So yeah, that’s how you can leave someone you love, as absurd and pointless as it was.
Mine was a very tumultuous childhood. Won’t go into a drawn out story on that but let’s say there was abandonment (didn’t see my mother from 2 years of age until 30 due to a virtual kidnapping by my father). Father went to Jail when I was 13. Physical abuse. Various ‘stepmothers’, some good, one wicked. Virtually fended for myself from 14 years of age. Now this isn’t to garner sympathy, I’m a tough cookie, but more of a quick back story that has relevance.
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However we are both now ‘happy’ to an extent, and we still love each other. She has long forgiven me and we’ve shared a lot of tears and deep conversations. If I could turn back the clock I’d do it in a heartbeat and either get help or just work through it, but I can’t. We have both had further relationships. Some good. And I still dream of what it now should be and cry occasionally. And I’m sure she does too.
Moving forward I did ok with my life and met my future wife when I was around 25. She was, and still is, one of the most beautiful women I have know in many ways, and the best mother I have ever seen. I certainly punched way out my weight division looks wise.
A few months after the stroke, all those negative feelings increased to a point where I was furious whenever the aforementioned trivial crap was brought up. I started to resent these people and to an extent my wife. It got worse and worse and I didn’t know why. My wife picked up on it but I wouldn’t, or couldn’t talk about it. I just withdrew and started to feel miserable. Spent less time with the girls and talked a lot less. I then met a girl/woman at my work and started flirting with her. Nothing sinister at first ,but as the feelings at home got worse the appeal of someone who didn’t seem so pre-occupied with anything other than me was enticing. That and romancing about not living in this perceived Stepford Wives existence. All completely selfish and doomed for disaster, which I pretty much knew but I could not control it. It was the feeling that you were standing on the train tracks and you see the headlights down the track. You know you need to jump off, but you just stand there, and stand there. And then the train hits you. You somehow just get up, dust yourself off and you go “what a fucking idiot”. But you jump on the tracks and do it all again. Over and over. I can’t describe what happened and take full responsibility for what occurred, always will. But my brain was mush. I couldn’t make any rational decisions. It was excruciating.
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The downside is that every thing that goes wrong with the girls (and there’s been a couple of really bad events) leaves a feeling of guilt that it wouldn’t have happened if I didn’t do what I did. I will carry that until the day I die. as well as the regret of giving away and hurting the greatest love of my life. I’ve lost family members including a parent, but the pain and grief pales compared to the pain of what occurred.